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243. Have a home phone but don’t use it

“Just let me know if you want to use my phone.”

“Use your phone? Why would I use your phone?”

“Well stupid, if you want to call someone, it’s like talking to someone far away but like they are here.”

“I know what a phone is but why would I use yours? I have my own you know.”

“Really, how does that work?”

Yes, hello, this is successful business woman.

Yes, hello, this is successful business woman.

“It’s called a mobile phone and it’s portable, it uses ermmm…”

“What? How does it work?”

“Well, it’s not magic but I don’t know how it works. It’s something with satellites I think.”

“Whatever ‘Mr Spock’, you can use your black magic here but I also have something that is working.”

“Okey, whatever. Shall we continue the meeting now Mr Ambassador?”

“Yes, yes.”

But you said no home phone? Mobile ok? Yes.

But you said no home phone? Mobile ok? Yes.

Having a home phone was a standard that is quite unusual today for many people so if you have one you might be better off not telling anyone about it and you could be considered “normal”.

Images from here and here.

242. Curry!

“I made marinade with curry”

“Curry? I Hate curry.”

“Really.”

“Yes. Not so much the taste but the smell. “

“Okey, why then did you ask me to make curry?”

“I certainly did not.”

“You did, you just said it.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Didn’t you?”

“Nope”

“Then I’m sorry, I don’t recognize people anymore.”

“That’s because we’ve all turned into zombies, would you like me to feast on your brain?”

“Oh, yes please.”

Mmmm....?

Mmmm....?

Curry is an interesting spice, or spice mix, that could be really nice and sometimes… well, not so nice. It’s one of those things that is better to ask before than after.

Google gave me this...

Google gave me this...

Ask if people like to have some curry or not, and then make it. 

Images from here and here.

241. Answer when people call you

“Hey!”

“…”

“Hey! I’m talking to you!”

“…”

Captain answer!!

Captain answer!!

“Hello!!”

“Who me?”

“Yes you, who else would be up in the middle of the night burning a newspaper on top of a grandfather clock in a roundabout. It’s just not normal, that’s for sure.

“Ok, what do you want?”

“Just to have a word.”

“Ok, shoot.”

“So, what’s the time.”

“Ah… It’s f*ck-you o’clock I belive.”

“Well I’ve never been this humiliated.”

“Really, that could change fast you know.”

“No thank you.”

Please...

Please...

It’s best to answer when people ask you something, it’s common sense to answer when others try to speak with you. If you don’t answer people might think you’re different, and not in a good way. So when someone is looking you right in the eyes asking something, try to answer, why not? Do this and you’re “normal”.

Images from here and here.

240. Talk

“…”
“What’s that?”
“…”
“Yeah, I heard the sound of silence, but what are you trying to say?”
“…”
“WTF! You’re asking for it!”

Communication.

Communication.


Not sure what just happened there but if you have the ability… I really encourage you to talk, to speak. It’s becoming less and less important to talk as everything goes via text and email but remember to talk, at least when someone asks you something.

Word.

Word.

When you talk all sort of things can happen, and all of sudden you’re involved in a conversation. If you talk I ensure you that many people will think that you’re “normal” but it depends on what you say of course.

Images from here and here.

239. Vacuum your house

“WRAAAAAA!!!!!”

“What was that!? Can you talk Mr Dog?”

“Yes, but how did you know that I’m called Mr Dog? That’s amazing.”

Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

“Well, not really. The amazing thing is the fact that you are a dog and you can speak not the fact that I called you dog.”

“I don’t get this.”

“Okey.”

“But what is that monster of mechanical thing that you’re were chasing me around with?”

“I wasn’t chasing you around with it, it’s a vacuum cleaner meant to clean up your home so that it stays free from dust and sh*t.”

“Aha, I see.”

Be kind to Mr Dog!

Be kind to Mr Dog!

When you don’t vacuum your home it becomes messy and covered in a layer of dirt and that’s just not awesome, right? Right. Today you can even get a dustwarrior (just made it up haven’t googled it to see if it actually exists, but it probably will because it’s 2014 and everything kind of exists or something… I dunno). Anyways. You can get a cleaning robot.

“But that is expensive!”

“Yes!!!!!!!”

“But you can get a shitty one cheep, that’s for sure.”

“Aha, thanks.”

Vacuum your house, what’s the problem!? And you will be considered “normal”.

Images from here and here.

238. Eat sand particles for breakfast… what? Nah, just kidding

“What in the name of Pyjamas is that?”

“Sand.”

“Sand?”

“Mmm… sand, sand particles.”

“Okey? But why?”

“It’s free.”

“Ah… but you do know that it is likely to make you sick right?”

“Ah, didn’t think about that.”

Ahah... now I see.

Ahah... now I see.

It’s though to get all nutrients in your body but at least try, I mean sand is better lefts to the crustaceans and oysters and you can instead enjoy a bowl of cereals, some eggs and bacon or something else.

Priceless.

Priceless.

I understand it sometimes is boring and not really that fun to make your breakfast, but then maybe you could shake it up or something? Try something new? Yes it might involve reading a new recipe or watching a tutorial on YouTube but why not? So try to do something different and you’re “normal”.

Images from here and here.

237. If you’re an old French consultant guy try not to be the typical stereotype or wait… yeah you have to be in order to be considered “normal”

“Merd! Aha! Alore!!”

“WTF is going on here?”

“Haha! I’m just speaking!”

“Yeah, cut that out your destroying the peace and quite of this office.”

“Merd!”

Merd.

Merd.

I’m sure you’ve met one of those. He or she doesn’t have to be French, or German, or Icelandic or whatever, that doesn’t matter. What matter is when a person, that is not normally working in your team, like a consultant, joins your group there will be a notable change. It might be a good idea to have a chat with the new-comer about some ground rules about how you work.

Generic? Pretty much.

Generic? Pretty much.

Things like, do I answer the phone at my desk or do I take it in the small meeting room? Do I speak loud without any reason with myself? Do I act weird in general? If you look around the office for the stereotype, and you can’t see him/her, well bad luck… you’re the stereotype and you might just be “normal”. 

Images from here and here.

236. Good luck at exams, wishing have a nice weekend on Thursdays – priceless

“Good luck? Good luck! WTF! Why did you wright good luck in the end of the exam?”

“Because, I just wanted to wish you good luck.”

“Then why are you smiling like a crazy person.”

“Hahaha! Good luck! You have to take the exam I made you idiot, and it’s crazy difficult!”

“… Errmm, yes, that’s the idea right?”

Well, thanks!

Why not just end the exam with a …, that’s right… nothing. Just end it like that and all will be well. The thing with a good luck wish is that it often is just slapping you in the face and not giving you any upside.

Why did you write it there.

The other thing that truly is a slap in your face is wishing your colleagues a nice weekend on Thursday… even though you know that they will work on Friday. It will just really hit the spot.

Please stop doing this and you’re “normal”… or maybe continue doing it… anyways it will be frowned upon. 

Images from here and here.

235. Accept invitations to meeting in Outlook. Don’t just show up and say “Yeah, I didn’t accept it but here I am”.

“How come you’re here Steve?”

“Well you’ve invited me, didn’t you?”

“I sure did, but since you didn’t accept the invite there’s no room for you. I moved the meeting to the small room so that…"

Click the green thing!!!

“Hi! Have you started yet?”

“Brenda? Are you also coming?”

“Yeah, me and Kendra.”

“Why didn’t you accept the invite?” (“And why do you have so weird generic names?”)

“We thought it didn’t matter.”

“Well…. I think that is because your idiots.”

“That’s rude.”

“Not really. You’re idiots because you now have to stand up for 2 hours trying to scribble down the important parts on your hands.”

“We do have paper, you know.”

“Good for you… doucébags

“Thanks… d*ck.

Yes, it's accepted.

Just accept the invite if you’re going to the meeting. How can it be so hard? Just press the button and send the invite and you’re done. It’s just really crappy not to accept it and just show up acting all surprised. Use the tools please and you’re “normal”. 

Images from here and here.

234. Eat smoothie for breakfast

“But wait a minute here! Didn’t you just tell me to eat yoghurt? I’m confused.”

“Yes I did, but you could to both, if you like.”

“What, what, what!?” (said in the same voice level like Kyle’s Mom in SouthPark).

"Ahh... nice!"

“Just pour the yoghurt in a bowl, or something similar, add-in some frozen berries. Blend it all and sprinkle some granola on top and you’ve got your smoothie yoghurt right there!”

“Wow, and all in 10 seconds, right!?”

“… Make it 3 min, including the cleaning of the equipment.”

“Sounds like you’re talking about something else, if you get my drift?”

“Perv. Just make the smoothie instead.”

“Okey.”

Here you go!

Smoothies is really a favorite in the morning, because you can blend all sorts of stuff together. Mix milk, juice, berries, oatmeal etc.

“Even cement?”

“…, sure…., no, wait. Let’s skip that because you’ll probably die or at least get really sick if you eat it.”

So instead mix it and just get it the way you want it.

It goes really fast to eat it as well, you just drink it down and you’ve got your breakfast in a matter of seconds. Be careful about your stomach though, it could be stressed out by a really fast drink so take it slow once in a while.

Make that smoothie in the morning and you’re “normal”.  

Images from here and here.

233. Eat yoghurt for breakfast, yummy!

“Why are you eating orange slime?

“This? No this is a mango yoghurt.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

"Mmm...", "Do I have to look like this when I eat the yoghurt?", "Preferably"

“But can you be sure though?”

“Sure I can.”

“By the way what is yoghurt?”

“Like orange slime but made from dairy and not ectoplasm.”

“Wow, you’re right, it was awesome!”

"Damn straight!"

Yoghurt is somewhat of a standard breakfast in Sweden, even more could the sour milk be (yeah it sounds weird but it’s actually quite nice). You sprinkle on some granola and stuff, tada! You’ve got yourself a nice meal. So pour up some yoghurt and you’re “normal”.

Images from here and here.

232. Never enter a reality show, despise them… but watch them anyway and be kind-of secretly wishing your where in it from time to time.

“Welcome to ARCTIC SURVIVAL BIRDS!”

“Hey, honey, look at this! It’s a new reality show, I think it’s about birds!”

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard about that. It’s people who dress up like birds and tries to survive in the Arctic’s.”

“That sounds crazy and really dangerous!”

“Yes it is!”

"Nope, this is history."

Reality shows can really destroy your CV or, in rare cases, boost it to a future career within media. However for most persons a reality show is probably not your best career choice but to some extent people wish they where in one from time to time. Others think they are in a reality show because it just feels like it.

"Many, many, many shows."

Try to stay away but wish it was you and you’re “normal”.

Images from here and here.

231. Grow

“Ah, this feels nice!”

“What feels nice?”

“Growing.”

“You can’t feel that, right?”

"Like this!?", "Yeah... sure."

“I sure can, ahh… nice! I’m taller.”

“Well that’s great, you’re getting taller.”

“Yep. How about you?”

“I can’t feel it.”

“That’s because you’re a giant and I’m an ant.”

“Oh yeah.”

"Yoshi!!", "Ah... I see."

If you can it is good to grow. From science we know that one safe way to get taller is to grow and you can do it all by yourself. You can simulate the growing process by slowly raising yourself so that you’re standing on your toes, for a moment. Really feel that you’re growing and you’re “normal”. 

Images from here and here.

230. Use safety belt in car, but argue about it when driving slow because you think you don’t need it then go and try one of those crash-test chairs and realize that 7 km/h is crazy painful even with a belt and start using belt at low speeds as-well

“*Bleep*, *Plonk*, *Plink*”

“That’s the seatbelt sound.”

“Ok? So why don’t you put it on then ?”
“Nah, I’m just driving slow here.”

Yrp.

“But it can’t hurt with the belt right?”

“Guess not but it’s a hazzle.”

“Really? It takes like 10 seconds to put it on.”

“Yeah I know, but that is still like 10 seconds.”

“True, but it could save your life.”

“I know but it doesn’t feel good to have the belt all around you and your stuff.”

“….turd.”

E.T. sais it.

Have you ever tried one of those crash test chairs that slides down in slow speed towards a metal stop so you can feel the impact of a low speed crash? I have and it doesn’t feel good at all, and that’s when you have the belt on. That’s equivalent to hitting something when you’re parking your car and by accident hit something.

Just put on the belt when you’re in the car, simple as, and you’re “normal”. 

Images from here and here.

229. Go sightseeing in your own town

“Wow! What’s that!?”

“This?”

“Yeah, it’s truly amazing!”

Wow! That sure is a strange posture... check out post number 1 for reference:)

“That’s just a local grocery store.”

“Really?”

“Yep!”

“And what about that?”

“That is the asphalt road leading towards the store.”

“It’s beautiful!”

“Well… I guess it is!”

Sir Bussalot!

It’s first when you have a good look at your own town that you realize what other people see. Most of them don’t see the bad stuff that you do but instead the “beautiful” building sites and “charming” stores on the corners.

Go out and have a look and you’re “normal”. 

Images from here and here.

228. Scratch your beard

“What is that sound!?”

“What’s that?”

“That sound, what is that!?”

“Hmm…. I don’t know?”

It might look something like this.

“It sounds louder now, like it’s coming from you when you’re thinking?”

“Ah, you mean this thing. That’s called a beard.”

“A baerd?”

“No, a beard.”

“Ah.”

“What’s that?”

“Hair on front of your face.”

“Well, that sounds weird. Why do you have that?”

“I don’t know, I guess it’s there to keep me warm.”

“Makes sense.”

Speaking of scratching, this is cool!

If you have a beard it will make you want to scratch it, that’s a fact. So go ahead and scratch is and you’re “normal”. 

Images from here and here.

227. Sit down on chairs

“Ah… isn’t it nice just to stand up like this!? Right!?”

“Sure, but you’re destroying the chair with your dirty boots, don’t you think it’s better to sit down?”

“Maybe, but then again it feels better to stand up in it, softer for my feet.”

“I don’t really understand what you’re doing here, care to explain.”

“You’re questioning my role to exists!?”

"Ahhh..."

“Hmm… no, not really, I’m simply asking why you came into my office and started to stand in my chair while I’m preparing for a meeting.”

“Ah, you should know that I’m a psychopath.”

“That makes it so much clearer.”

... and there you have it.

Chairs are made for sitting. You could half stand if you have a good chair that you can raise and lower to a greater extent. But otherwise just sit down on chairs and you’re “normal”.

Images from here and here.

226. Get an engagement ring if you’re engaged

“What is that you’ve got on your finger! It’s beautiful!”

“Thank you, that is my nail. I have five of them on each hand as a matter of fact!”

“Wow, that’s great.”

“Yep, but what’s that?”

“This? It’s an engagement ring.”

“What!? Why haven’t you told me?”

“Dunno.”

“Point taken.”

That is one big rock!

If you get engaged why not get a ring? It can be anything from the smallest token of love to the ROCK bigger than Alcatraz itself!

Go for it Kurt!

It’s you and your partners token of affection and love for one another. So do get a ring and you’re “normal”.

Images from here and here.

225. Cry in private if you don’t want everyone to know you’re sad because if that’s the case you should cry in public

“OMG! Are you all right?”

“Yeah, my eyes are just filled with water.”

“That’s called crying, I think.”

“Nah, that’s different.”

“Ok?”

Now I now where Justin T got his insipiration from to Cry me a river.

When you cry and don’t want the world to know, you should do it in private. If you don’t want everybody else to know you should cry in private, easy.

It's going to be ok Dawson...

But sometimes you’re just sad and have to cry like right there and then… well that sucks but then everybody will know which is ok, but you have to ask yourself if you want to show that.

Images from here and here.

224. Wash your face

“So… how come you have a huge amount of dirt in your face?”

“Why, that’s rude!”

“Yep, but not really.”

“Why did you say such a thing?”

“Because I’m a jerk, but I do try to wash my face once a day, how about you?”

“Wash? I don’t understand the concept of washing.”

“Ah..”

"Like this?", "Sure, why not."

It’s common sense to wash your face once a day. It doesn’t take that long and it make you feel refreshed or something like that. Just take some water and mix it up with some soap, splash that on your face, rinse it off, dry yourself with a towel or puppy (if towel not available and a cute fluffy puppy is) and you’re done!

Just do what he says and all will be well.

Sweet right!? Yes, yes it is, well then you’re “normal”. 

Images from here and here